Happiness Is You Being You

“Between Two Evils I Always Pick the One I’ve Never Tried Before.” This is a quote from Mae West and currently one of my favorites.

A friend of mine saw these words and said it reminded her of me. Not because I’m evil but because I can be a bit of a wild child. I try to live my life on my terms.

To me that quote is saying enjoy life. Live each day to the fullest. People are going to judge no matter what so why not pick the path and actions that are most fulfilling to you.

There are so many times we look back and say I wish I would’ve done that or why didn’t I try that?

It’s so easy to not do something because we’re worried about what a stranger passing by may think. What story will they tell about you later?

You may even be worried about what your friends or family will say about you.

First, I try not to worry about what someone I don’t know thinks of me. Who cares!! Chances are I’ll probably never see them again anyway. I also think it’s kind of fun to give people something to talk about with their friends and significant others. I like to think of it as spreading my joy around.

If your friends aren’t super supportive…oh well…they don’t have to hang out with you that day. You don’t have to unfriend them because they don’t approve of your life choices. You’re just different people with different comfort zones.

And family…well family is family, you’re kinda stuck there. Even more reason to spend your life doing what is exciting to you.

I love to dance. I’m likely to break out into a groove just about anywhere I am. No it’s not considered “normal” behavior but it makes me happy in my life. It makes me feel free. At times it’s contagious. I found out today others enjoy it when I bust a move as well. I do a strength training class on the weekends. One of the women told me after class how much she enjoys being in class when I’m there because it’s fun to watch me and it makes her want to move. I was truly flattered. Now if I had been worried about what the person next to me was going to think of me shaking it while I’m holding a squat, the woman who came up to me never would’ve been inspired.

You being you has the ability to bring others a little sunshine. Sometimes you can catch me wearing bright blue lipstick or maybe yellow or maybe both at the same time. I could be sporting bright red hair, whatever it is, it’s what gives me happiness. Sometimes people smile in approval, sometimes not. None of that matters in the end because when I go home there is me. When I go to bed there is me. When I wake up there is me. Even with all of my family and my friends…I’m the one constant in my life and I should always be true to me.

Life can be complicated, full of peaks and valleys. During those down days you need to be able to pull from those moments of joy to help you get through.

The fact of the matter is life is too short to live someone else’s version.

No More Self Body Shaming

We as women tend to be so hard on ourselves. We look at other women and instantly, sometimes subconsciously, compare ourselves to them. Their shape, their height. The way they style their hair and how they look in their clothes. Envy can creep in in that moment and make us feel as if we’re less than the stranger we’re zoning in on. Our brains tell us we don’t look as good as she does strutting down the street. At the same time that perceived “picture of perfection” could be looking at you wishing she was bold enough to pull of your relaxed and sexy look.

We’re so inundated with images of what sexy is and what flawless should look like that we often forget there is no such thing as perfection. Yet we stress ourselves out trying to get the perfect body or the perfect look. Yes, we all have something we wish we could change about our bodies. Personally I would love to have a flatter belly. The one I had before I had a child nearly 15 years ago. I workout five times a week. I try to eat right most of the time…okay 80% of the time, yet it’s still right there with me, my nearest and dearest friend. While my midsection is a trouble spot for me, especially when I’m trying to squeeze into that tight dress, I don’t make it the focal point of my existence. It doesn’t define my sexy. It doesn’t determine if I’m a good person or if I’m intelligent and successful. Instead of always dwelling on whether my stomach is too big I choose to appreciate the many other beautiful aspects of me. I have great legs and my backside isn’t too shabby either. I’m a bold and creative free spirit who likes to wear daring outfits when I’m out on the town. I love to laugh. I have a great family and wonderful friends. My self confidence is my sexiness of choice. That doesn’t mean I don’t have moments when I’m down on myself.

It’s hard to remember to love our uniqueness when we’re constantly shown what we aren’t and what we should be. The negativity seeps into our psyche. Changing our self perception.

The funny thing is people rarely view us the way we see ourselves. We zero in on things people passing by would never notice and those who love us couldn’t care less about.

We end up turning into our own worst critics. Falling out of love with ourselves. Allowing outside forces to dictate our self worth.

To combat that I try to find something to admire about myself every single day. Some days it’s a physical attribute like the way my hair looks or how great my physique looks in my dress. Other days it’s a characteristic. My ability to find something good in everything. Or how strong I feel after a workout.

You have to work on loving and appreciating yourself the way you work at having a successful relationship with a romantic partner.

Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Whether you’re short, tall, thin, curvy, short hair or long hair. You bring something wonderful to the world. Can you imagine what it would be like if everyone looked the same? What a boring existence. Embrace your brand of beauty. Dare to be confident in everything that makes you you.

You just might find yourself back in love with you.

Sensuality

A look that sparks a smile. A touch that makes you tingle. Conversations that calm. Thoughts that fill you with anticipation of your next time together.

Sensuality is often thought of as something that’s simply sexual. It’s so much more. It’s the time you spend feeling each other out. It’s the way your lips touch…soft, sweet, intense. It’s how he slides his fingers along your inner thigh. How you use yours to trace designs on his chest. The times when you’re sleeping together and your hands search the darkness for one other. Sensual is being able to laugh at nothing with each other. Or sitting quietly…appreciating the presence of the other.
Sensuality is the foreshadowing of the sexuality to come.

Be Wild…Be Weird

I like my lipstick bright. Sometimes blue or green…even pepto bismal pink. I like my eye shadows pink and purple mixed with a little silver. I prefer my hair to be wild, big or simply strange. These are all of the things that make me feel free. Make me feel sexy and in control. It makes me feel strong.

Does it make people do a double take or talk about me? I certainly hope so. I am self professed wild child and weirdo. I feel like people are going to talk about you no matter what so why waste time trying to live up to someone else’s standards. There are times when my goal is to get people to talk about me. I enjoy knowing I’ve made their day a little more interesting. I also like it when people come up to me and marvel at the weirdness happening on my face or hair. Some of them wish they had the courage to do the same thing. For some it’s not their style and others just flat out hate it. That secretly makes me smile. As long as I can remember I’ve liked bucking the trends. It’s just fun to be odd.

Sure society expects you to conform to what is considered a safe look. Something that makes you blend in with the masses. Please tell me where is the joy in that?

We’re led to believe that only the rich and famous can be exotic and take fashion risks. They’re just expressing themselves. It’s what’s expected of them. They have too much money to care about the opinions of others. Well I don’t have enough money to spend all of my time caring about what someone is saying about me or my style. I will admit there are times I go a little bit too far. Sometimes it’s an accident. On those days I make sure I own the look. If my hair doesn’t come out the way I plan. I just pretend it’s exactly what I wanted. If my eye shadow goes rogue I chock it up as one of my more “creative days.” My lipsticks…well I try to make those as outlandish as possible. I simply love lip cover.

I’ve learned over the years you have to own your attitude. Own what’s unique about you. Yes it’s hard to always brush off the naysayers. You have to remember no matter what, when you wake up…you have to face yourself in the mirror. None of the haters are there with you. If they are, kick them to the curb. There are far too many things in this world that we have no control over. We have control over ourselves. Just go for it.

I found I like being happy. I’m happiest when I’m living life on my own terms. It takes a lot of strength to wake up and be your true self day after day. It’s still easier than putting on a mask of perceived acceptance. It takes a lot of work to be someone else, yet that’s what so many do. As long as you’re alive it’s never to late to be who you want to be. Yes we change through the years. You can reinvent yourself as many times as you want. Who cares?!

Be Wild! Be Weird! Just be the happiest you, you can be. You have one life. Spend more of it being the person you truly are on the inside.

Mourning Moving On

One morning I got a call from one of my close friends. I could tell she’d been crying. A few moments later I understood why. Her ex-husband picked a cold hearted way to let her know he and his new fiancee were expecting a child together. She was devastated. Not only was the man who caused her so much pain getting married he was also having a baby and wanted her to help their son be happy about it…the nerve. She was upset by the news and upset with herself for crying over this.

I understood exactly why she was upset. It was the same way I felt when I found out my ex married the woman he cheated on me with. I couldn’t figure out what made her so special when I was such a good woman to him…his words. I was pissed that he was getting his happy ending before me. He didn’t deserve that kind of happiness. He deserved to be unhappy and lonely. In my mind karma should’ve come for him.

Yeah, I knew exactly where she was coming from. I knew why she was so torn up inside. This man had made her feel like she was undesirable, unintelligent and at times less than human. All she saw at that point was him getting what he wanted in life while she still struggled to rebuild her personal life. No she didn’t want him back. She wanted to be alright and put back together before him. She wanted him to be envious of him, not the other way around.

That’s what most of us who’ve had their hearts broken want. To be back on top before the loser ex. When they end up on top first it’s disturbing and distressing. The thing we always forget is we’re not in competition with our exes. Your happiness is not dependent upon them being unhappy. I know the thinking is if they see how happy you are they’ll regret ever messing up or breaking your heart. When in reality they don’t really care or they wouldn’t have done you so wrong in the first place. You have to remember to focus on you. To focus on determining what is best for your well being. That could be taking some time out to be by yourself to figure out what you need. Competing with a non-factor in your life only leads to more mistakes, self pity and self doubt.

When I think about the ex that married the “other woman” I can smile. He wasn’t good for me. He’s no longer my problem. I’m free of him and I wouldn’t ever want to have him back in my life in that capacity. I love who I am without him.

As I told my friend…it’s okay to be upset about him fast forwarding to the next phase of his life. It can be an upsetting thing. Just don’t let that influence her personal decisions. The perfect relationship comes along when we’re in the right place to receive it.

Comfort

All it took was him putting his arm around me in bed for me to be fast asleep in less than 30 seconds. That’s what I call comfort. It’s not something that other relationships have offered. In the past I’ve felt compelled to be guarded or be on the look out for signs of unsavory behavior. You know the feeling that something isn’t quite right but you have no real proof, therefore you have no real reason to pull the plug on what you have going on. You tell yourself if your gut is right you’ll walk away immediately. By the time that realization happens, you’re sucked into the web of deception, lies and breaking up to make up. That’s not the case this time. This time I feel free. After years of failed relationships I decided not to settle anymore. I was determined not be the person to “fix” another boyfriend. I promised myself I would no longer be committed to a man who made me worry about the sanctity of our relationship. Or one who tried to tear me down instead of embracing my strength. Nor would I tolerate any mistreatment or being taken for granted. I knew there was a chance I would not find that kind of companionship anytime soon but that didn’t mean I was ready to give up on having it. I just needed to be patient and it paid off. Now I have a true partner. A man who is satisfying between the sheets. Who will sex me down while I’m wearing my silk headscarf. A man who anticipates my needs and wants. Someone who cherishes me. Someone I cherish. Now I feel settled, at ease and comfortable. Not worrying about what he may do to break your heart is refreshing. Being with someone who truly loves you for you…not trying to subtly change you is calming.

Do I know if this will last forever? Of course not. That doesn’t mean I’m not going to enjoy every single moment of the goodness I have right here, right now. If it lasts forever, I will be glad I didn’t waste time second guessing a good thing.

Sexy Night Gone Wrongish

A night of soothing, sensual, relaxation and a little sex to top it all off.

I had the whole evening planned in my head. I would be dressed in something lacy and revealing. The room would be flooded with candlelight. Massage oil and massager would be on the night stand and contemporary jazz would be playing in the background. It was going to be a spectacular night. A surprise fun evening that was going to go off without a hitch. At least that’s what I thought.

It started off well enough. I had on the lacy black number. I was prepared to open the door looking super hot with that come hither look in my eyes. Instead I was standing in the bathroom laughing on the phone, which is where he found me after he let himself in. Not exactly the entrance I orchestrated, but all was not lost. He had no idea I had a night of passion planned for him. He probably just thought I was wearing his favorite nightie to be nice.  I fixed him a plate for dinner while I worked to heat up the massager and get the oil set up. Except I couldn’t find the oil. I did that thing where I put it up somewhere so I wouldn’t forget where it was, but I still forgot where I put it. Now I’m searching my closets and drawers in hopes of remembering what I did with this “magical” oil. Things were falling off shelves. My man was asking if everything was alright. I gave a shaky sure, trying not to let him know what I was up to. That lasted for about five minutes. He came in to check for himself. I had to confess that I was looking for the massage oil but I still didn’t tell him why. Now we’re both looking all over my room for the elusive oil. It was no where to be found. I was half naked and frustrated crawling on the floor, looking under the bed. It was not my sexiest moment. I finally had to come clean about why I was looking for the oil. He smiled even though I was a disheveled mess on the floor. I pretended to pull myself together and announced I had a plan “B.” I sent him back into the living room as I went to the kitchen to heat up the massage pad. He still didn’t have the entire plan. I felt like this could still be a great night even if now I had to use coconut oil instead of massage oil. The massage pad was heated. The coconut oil was warm enough. I summoned him to the room and told him to take off all of his clothes. I was fumbling with the music. Of course this was the one time my bluetooth didn’t immediately connect with the wireless speaker so I had to start the song over. This was definitely not going as planned. I was determined to push through. I decided it was time to light the candles. I pulled out the long lighter. Flicked it…nothing. Tried it again…still nothing. “Come on,” I said aloud. My honey just chuckled.  This just wasn’t going well at all. After a couple more tries I finally got the candles lit. NOW the sexy night could commence, but he still had on his underwear. I ordered him to remove them. I cut off the bedroom light so the candlelight could flood the room as I planned…sorta. I made my way over to man, determined to make him feel as good as he’s made me feel over the last couple of months. I had to wait for the massage pad to cool down so I wouldn’t burn him. That’s all I needed…a trip to the emergency room to explain how I burned my boyfriend. I put that coconut oil to good use. Giving him a sleep inducing back massage. Followed by an arousing full frontal rubdown. Let’s just say when all was said and done I mounted him and put it down. Some real must sleep afterwards sex. He was out like a light, with his hand firmly grasping one asscheek. I smiled, a little proud of myself as I dozed off alongside of him.

Our attempts at romantic nights are rarely flawless like they seem to be in all of the romantic scenes on TV and in the movies. We trip, fall. Lose things and sometimes we can’t light the candles.  Quite frankly that doesn’t matter. What does matter are the end results. Was the thought and effort behind it appreciated? Did you both have fun? The road to pleasure is hardly ever paved with perfection. But who cares. Just have fun. If you’re both smiling and reminiscing about that night several nights later….Mission Accomplished!

By the way, I never did find that massage oil.

Don’t Overthink It

Being in a relationship that’s real and fulfilling is a hope many of us hold in our hearts. When we are lucky enough to find something good the first thing we tend to do is over analyze and overthink every action we make and they make. It’s hard to blame most people in this position. By the time you find this potentially great thing you’ve dealt with so many liars, cheaters, users and those who’ve taken you for granted. Simply put, you don’t trust your instincts anymore. When a good man or woman is standing in front of you, you wonder if it’s real. You mentally take yourself though the ringer. You wonder if this person can really be this nice and genuine. You wonder if you’re missing something. You are constantly waiting for the other shoe to drop. You secretly hold your breath, bracing for the bad personality bomb to go off. Before you know it you’re spending more time looking for what could be wrong instead of enjoying the good of the here and now. I will admit to being guilty of all of these things. So what do you do to get out of your own way? How do you stop what could wind up being a self-fulfilling prophesy? Here’s what I did. I thought about how I would feel if someone didn’t trust I was the good person I say I am. I would want that person to give me the same chance I’m sure they’re looking for. I stopped trying to look so far into the future of what could go wrong. I breathed and chose to believe there are people out there like me. People who are good, true and want the same thing I want in a relationship. Yes you should take heed of any red flags. No you shouldn’t throw common sense out the window. It just means if you haven’t seen any red flags don’t try to invent them because it’s what you’re used to dealing with and now you feel like something is off when you meet someone “normal.”  Just because all of your previous relationships have ended in disaster doesn’t mean this one is destined for the same fate. And no it doesn’t necessarily mean this is your final relationship of all time. But maybe, just maybe it means you’ll be able to fully enjoy this something good for the beautiful thing that it is. Everyone may not understand what you’re feeling or the bond you’re building…that’s okay. They’ve probably sustained battle scars in the war for love. More than likely they have trouble enjoying a good relationship. That’s why your relationship is for you and your lover. For the two of you to enjoy and grow. Embrace it. That’s my plan.

The Darkest of Knights

He has a dark chocolate exterior. The kind that made her lick her lips with anticipation. His smile said he was kind and sweet. His eyes said don’t let the smile fool you. She watched him. Almost stalking him like a cougar. She was trying to figure out how to get his attention. Passing him slowly. Maybe she put an extra twist in her walk. He always played it cool, acting like he didn’t notice. They saw each other every day at the same time in the same place. The break-room during lunch. They always exchanged the basic hello. Even though they hadn’t had one conversation that went further than “how are you?” she was wildly attracted to him. Perhaps it was his strong silence. She liked a man who’s presence was felt even though he wasn’t saying much. Today she decided to make a move. She couldn’t ignore the chemistry she felt. She walked up to him, flashed a smile and gave him a small piece of paper. It had her phone number and a note telling him to call her. He smiled and gave her a nod. She thought for sure she’d get a call that night. Why wouldn’t he, she thought. Except he didn’t call. Not the first night or any night after that. She still saw him every day. They still said hello, but he never called. A month passed. She’d just about given up on him paying any attention to her. That night her phone rang. It was him. She tried to sound relaxed and in control. She was giddy with excitement. The conversation didn’t last more than ten minutes. She invited him over for hot chocolate. She hoped things went farther than sipping on a hot drink. She hoped it turned into a steamy night with a very chocolate man. He came over after 10 that night. She answered the door wearing a pair of short shorts and a t-shirt. What she didn’t know was that he had no intentions of having any kind of drink, at least not the kind that came in a cup. She lead him to her room. Yes she had a living room. Yes they could’ve spent some time on the couch, but so much time had been wasted waiting on him to call her. As he talked to her, her mind wandered. She wondered if he would dare touch her body. Wondered if he was curious about how her body felt against his. She was so focused on her thoughts she didn’t realize he’d moved in close enough to kiss her. His lips were soft. His kisses were gentle, quick, full of passion and purpose. He was ready to get down to business and so was she.  He pulled her tank top up but not off. He was eager to taste her. His mouth found its way to her left nipple. The tip of his tongue sent a sensation through her body that made her wet with desire and rub her thighs together. She wanted more of him, instead he slowly doled out pieces of pleasure. A lick to her right nipple. He kissed her neck, taking small bites. Leaving little tokens behind showing just how ferocious his appetite for her was. That wasn’t enough for him. He wanted more of her on his tongue. He moved his hands down her body…exploring every curve until he reached what he was thirsting for. He placed himself between her thighs. Her excitement felt like electricity pulsing through her body. His touches were soft and mesmerizing. She was more than willing to give herself to him. She was curious to know what all he could do with that tongue. She wanted to feed him her passion. He parted her legs. She felt his lips on her lower lips. Her breath caught in her chest with the first kiss he planted down there. She wanted to feel more of his tongue inside of her. She opened herself more for him as he dove deeper inside. He made her squirm. Made her feel like she was outside of her body. She could tell he was dedicated to meeting her needs. He took his time drinking in every drop of her essence. There was a lot to take in. He reached up, grabbing and tweaking her nipples. Intensifying the sexual surge raging through her body. He had skills and he wasn’t afraid to use them. She felt the smile creep across her face. She was shocked this seemingly quiet, sweet, unassuming man could bring so much heat. Her body was on fire. She thrust her hips up towards his face. She was feeling greedy. He made her kitty purr. He wanted more. She was getting that insatiable feeling. A feeling that meant she was close to an eruption of volcanic proportions. His relentless tonguing of her nether region had her gripping the sheets on the mattress. The moans escaping from her lips were coming from deep inside of her. As much as she wanted his kitten kisses to continue, her body couldn’t contain the passion building inside her soul. She released the sheets, took a deep breath and let it go. With it came a great quake, followed by several strong aftershocks. He was impressed with himself. Feeling on top of the world for making a woman who thought she was going to school him, scream his name as she reached the summit.

They both knew this was only the beginning.

When It’s New…

When it’s new…you grin and blush anytime anyone mentions your new flame. Your head is filled with the thoughts of the last time you were together, even if it was just five minutes ago. You feel the electricity of every touch shared between the two of you. You want to know everything that makes them happy because you only want to see them smile. When it’s new…their kisses make your heart race. You feel comfort in their embrace. The strength of their hands on your body makes you want to wrap yourself around them in hopes of stopping time so you can always have this soothing, relaxing, exciting feeling flowing through you. You want the excitement of the new feeling to last forever.

It doesn’t have to end. As long as you always want to get to know them. As long as you’re always curious about their day. As long as you make love as if it’s your first time.

I like new. I like the feelings that come with it. I like that new leads to the good old fashioned feeling of comfort. New leads to familiarity. Familiarity of a body you worked to understand and pleasure. Don’t forget to make use of those hard earned skills frequently. Even when you’ve had the pleasure of knowing each other long enough to be able to read their thoughts. Seek out the new in their smile, their laugh, their eyes.

When it’s new…forever seems possible.